According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
