my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
