I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
