Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
