Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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