I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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