He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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