im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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