Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
