i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
