Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
