yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
