they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
