I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
