sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
