also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
