I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
