i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
