I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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