I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
she woke up with a sticky ear
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
