When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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