Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
