What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
