Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
