i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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