Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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