I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
