burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
