his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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