so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
