Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
