bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
