I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
