1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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