If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
