omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
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