Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize