no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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