i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
