Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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