You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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