he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She's like a pop up book from hell.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
