forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
