I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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