Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
