so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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