Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
