you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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