Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
