Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
