if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
