he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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