I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
