And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
