guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
They have beer where we have blood.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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