Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
