is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
