Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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