Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
