I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
