When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
